Reality

I saw reality today,

His eyes were deep and wide like the bottomless pit

We sometimes fall into....the pit that is pitch black and dangerous,

Beautiful and gentle, hostile and violent...obvious and ironic.

I stared at him and he stared back too.

He looked through me, past me, into me...he engulfed me.

I felt him; I had been waiting for him with a ravenous appetite and greed...

I needed him, I craved him...I saw him today.

As one with reality I saw all that I was, am, may or may not be...

I am life and he is reality...in seeing him I now exist.

My birth was so quick like a flash of lightning I almost missed it,

Indeed it was painless...or was it? Gone are the scales from my eyes,

The ones that made Saul blind...I see with such clarity,

I see brilliant life forms around me...I exist. I am who I am.

I saw a young woman hungry for change, weak for the sweet juices of humanity,

Waiting to be fed on glory, honor and fame.

This woman is so frail and sad and yet so calm, so beautiful, like the sea before a storm.

I looked into the abyss Reality pointed out to me

And I saw her sitting on the stairs,

Telling another being of her pain.

I saw her flinch as the "thing" laughed at her humble speech,

I saw the hidden tears. I saw me.

Today I sat on the stairs, telling a truth I have already told,

But this time with conviction...I admitted to change;

I accepted it; Embraced it; Caressed it.

I saw Reality and willingly fell into him and drowned. I loved him.

I love him. My sweet Reality.

See the thing is....I saw that I can be better, do better, change and transform

With the stroke of an artist's brush...

I can be a strong woman, a good woman, brilliant and care free...those things can be me.

I am loving, I am strong, I am brilliant, often wrong, always right,

Loyal and dedicated like the bird to his master or the sun to the sky.

See, I saw Reality, and he told me I am all that I believe and hope I am...

The problem was, the entire time, he had seen me and loved me...

But I never gave him the chance...

Until I saw Reality today.

Sunrise

So many wishes...so many needs...an infiinty of desire....miraculous sacrifices...hopeful moments...tears and tears and pain...the sun has left the sky...But in my existance I know that the sun will rise again...and like it I too shall be glorious!

Sigh

I need to write; should be writing what I feel, what I know and what I am. I should be hearing the way the keys sound under the pressure from my fingers, but instead I'm hearing those voices that tell me to think and not type, to pick up my mental pen and write thoughts in a memory book that will fade. I've been trying, feeling, meaning and hoping to write something...cause emotions are bottled up inside.

So I'm here again...was my absence noted? Maybe, maybe not. I've been in a cage inside my own mind for a few weeks....and now I find it hard to reproduce what I have already created....sigh...I will be back.

Sitting

I'm here sitting, staring at this screen, just wondering what to say or how to express my suppressed emotions. I'm just thinking. Thinking of all the things that should be done, needs to be done, will be done whether I approve or not. Trying to relax so I can turn the pages of a book that will somehow make me more intellectually agreeable, or so they say.....science is my art, my passion, my love and yet it presses down on the fragments of the person I used to be and still should be....this science makes me feel stupid and yet still I'm so fascinated by it I sit writing about it. I should study and try to comprehend the physics....try to apply Newton's Laws of Motion to the way I breathe, the way my heart beats slowly and faster and faster until my head spins...try to apply this potential energy to my life...the Law of conservation of energy states that energy is neither lost or gained but rather transformed from one form to another. And so I am energy, because I've been transforming ever since I've been born.

I must go and sip tea and breathe deeply so that I may center my thoughts with order and control in the same manner that I dissected that beautiful frog...I gently made an incision, I uncovered muscles, I stripped away layers of fat...I watched that heart beating like a rhythm pounding in my ear as my own heart beats....this is my art.

I will go and turn those pages of my books that will prepare me for a subject that seems so unnecessary and yet will place me on a cloud of glory. Lend me your wisdom oh Newton, that I may ace this final and prove that I am who I am...a scientist.