Sigh

I need to write; should be writing what I feel, what I know and what I am. I should be hearing the way the keys sound under the pressure from my fingers, but instead I'm hearing those voices that tell me to think and not type, to pick up my mental pen and write thoughts in a memory book that will fade. I've been trying, feeling, meaning and hoping to write something...cause emotions are bottled up inside.

So I'm here again...was my absence noted? Maybe, maybe not. I've been in a cage inside my own mind for a few weeks....and now I find it hard to reproduce what I have already created....sigh...I will be back.

Sitting

I'm here sitting, staring at this screen, just wondering what to say or how to express my suppressed emotions. I'm just thinking. Thinking of all the things that should be done, needs to be done, will be done whether I approve or not. Trying to relax so I can turn the pages of a book that will somehow make me more intellectually agreeable, or so they say.....science is my art, my passion, my love and yet it presses down on the fragments of the person I used to be and still should be....this science makes me feel stupid and yet still I'm so fascinated by it I sit writing about it. I should study and try to comprehend the physics....try to apply Newton's Laws of Motion to the way I breathe, the way my heart beats slowly and faster and faster until my head spins...try to apply this potential energy to my life...the Law of conservation of energy states that energy is neither lost or gained but rather transformed from one form to another. And so I am energy, because I've been transforming ever since I've been born.

I must go and sip tea and breathe deeply so that I may center my thoughts with order and control in the same manner that I dissected that beautiful frog...I gently made an incision, I uncovered muscles, I stripped away layers of fat...I watched that heart beating like a rhythm pounding in my ear as my own heart beats....this is my art.

I will go and turn those pages of my books that will prepare me for a subject that seems so unnecessary and yet will place me on a cloud of glory. Lend me your wisdom oh Newton, that I may ace this final and prove that I am who I am...a scientist.